I don't know about you, but these days, every week or so, I get some sort of performance review from someplace across the #iHeartNation. Sometimes we call it "talent coaching" and sometimes we call them "airchecks." And sometimes, we call them "contractual reviews" which lead to more reviews, etc...
Awwww... life these days. But when I read this... it got me thinking about what a performance review SAYS... as opposed to what it really means!
So let's dissect this. If you've had a performance review from a boss... what she writes (or he, they/them) write, may not be what they mean. I'll translate...
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE
Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED
Made no major blunders — yet.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY
Drinks a lot.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE
Opinionated.
QUICK THINKING
Offers plausible excuses for mistakes.
CAREFUL THINKER
Won’t make a decision.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK
Conceited.
PLANS FOR ADVANCEMENT
Buys drinks for all the boys in the office at happy hour.
FORCEFUL
Argumentative.
AGGRESSIVE
Obnoxious.
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS
Gets someone else to do it.
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL
A nit picker.
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES
Is tall or has a loud voice.
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT
Lucky.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR
Knows a lot of dirty jokes.
CAREER MINDED
Back stabber.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION
Gets to work on time.
RELAXED ATTITUDE
Sleeps at desk.
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY
Too ugly to get a date.
INDEPENDENT WORKER
Nobody knows what he/she does all day.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Spends lots of time on phone.
LOYAL
Can’t get a job anywhere else.
So, go read your most recent evaluation... If you didn't know... now you know!
Photos: Getty