President Biden’s farewell address was filled with all sorts of irony. Perhaps most shocking was his warning that an “oligarchy” of power-hungry elites “literally threatens our entire democracy.” Surely, he isn’t talking about the progressive elites, right?! Glenn decided to rewrite Biden’s farewell address to better reflect the reality of his administration’s legacy. No joke!
Transcript
Below is a rush transcript that may contain errors
GLENN: All right. So Joe Biden. And I know this is all going to come as new news for you, Stu.
Because I'm not going to lie. It came to me as new news this morning.
When I read it in the show prep.
This is not something, I would even care about. From this president.
But I think it's important just to notice how he's leaving office.
And there's a couple of things. One, have you ever seen a president who nobody gives a flying crap about more than this one?
STU: I don't think so. I mean, have I?
No. Has it ever occurred in American history is more the question.
GLENN: Right. It could be like John Tyler, or Taylor.
I don't even know.
STU: Tyler. That was the one I didn't even know existed. John Taylor, I think was the basis for Duran Duran. John Tyler, former president.
GLENN: Okay. Right. So former -- so I care about what's happening in this administration, just a little bit more than John Tyler!
STU: Or John Taylor. Right.
GLENN: Or John Taylor. Either.
I mean, I care a little bit more about John Taylor. He had some great songs.
STU: He had some great songs.
GLENN: So, I mean, I just don't care.
The only reason I do care. Is because what is he doing today, to destroy our country?
STU: Yeah. We've been doing this series of Biden's parting shots on our show.
Stu Does America, by the way. Blaze TV.
And there's a lot.
You could say, he's not doing anything. Because you think he's incoherent. And falling asleep on the job.
GLENN: No. He's not doing anything.
STU: It very well may be true. It also doesn't matter. He's doing a lot to the country here, as he walks out the door.
It does not seem that anyone seems to care.
GLENN: There was another 500 billion-dollar forgiveness of loans, yesterday.
STU: Not that much.
GLENN: How much was it?
STU: He did 150,000 people. And then another 200,000 people. I believe over the past few days.
GLENN: A lot of money and a lot of people.
STU: Yes.
GLENN: And this one he's saying, because the university scammed them.
Oh, Lord.
Okay and -- yes?
STU: I think that's just -- amazing. You go through a legal proceeding. That's how they get their money back.
They don't get the money back. We don't have to take that on as a country. And again, none of this is legal. None of this is constitutional.
Most of this will be overturned after he's out of office. Most of these poor people who believe they no longer have these loans, will wind up having these loans.
GLENN: Right, but they're still going. They're still going. They're filing all kinds of suits in court, and you're like, that's not going to stand in court. They're not going to pursue that.
It's just -- okay. Well, then stop it. Spend the time to stop it. That's what he's doing. He's just lighting little brushfires everywhere.
Thank goodness, Donald Trump is not California.
He'll put them out quickly, I think.
Now, the -- Biden gave a speech, and I -- I just rewrote it.
I'm sorry. I rewrote the speech.
STU: Okay.
GLENN: Because I said everything that he said, but I added a little bit of the truth.
Okay?
So let me give you what he said, last night.
First, do we have the -- the Hail to the Chief?
Or something that makes it sound official? Because it was very official.
It was in the White House. I'm not kidding.
He was sitting on a pillow last night.
Yeah. No. Real one. And just go ahead. So he's -- and now a message from the president of the United States.
My fellow Americans, folks, I'm serious. This is it.
This is my last address as your president.
No joke!
I've been in public service. For 50 years, now.
Maybe more.
I've seen a lot in my time.
But I've got to tell you, still believe in America.
Well, there's some things that we need to talk about. Things that really worry me.
I'm not kidding.
This is serious stuff.
First of all, the oligarchy thing.
Yeah. It's bad!
Folks, we've got billionaires and corporations running the shows right now, and it's dangerous. Come on. We can't have people, billionaires, who think they can run everything. Like George Soros.
Well, no.
Probably, he deserves a medal, but other people like that, that vote differently than the way we want them to vote.
That's just got to stop. Got to stop. Okay?
He's a good guy mostly. And big tech. Don't even get me started, folks.
Don't. Don't.
It's like my dad used to say. When I was growing up in Scranton, you know, just an average scrappy kid, hanging out with black people and minorities mainly.
You know, my dad used to say to me, don't trust big tech. He was way ahead of the game. Way ahead.
I loved my dad. I will cry. By the way, California, I can relate. Because I had a kitchen fire once.
Anyway, back to big tech. Don't even get me started. We had to work with them. You know. You know, to protect democracy. That's why we had an open line to Facebook and Twitter. Some people called it censorship. That's malarkey. Okay?
It was just, what's the word? Guardrails. Yeah, guard rails for democracy.
That's what that was. And misinformation.
Folks!
I'm serious.
It's everywhere. No joke!
Americans are buried in misinformation.
But let me be clear. We weren't part of that. Okay. Maybe a little bit. But not very much.
I mean, not that you know of.
It's coming out?
Okay. Well, all right.
Maybe a little. We did say Hunter's laptop was fake. Turns out, wasn't. That was a surprise.
No joke, people. I had no idea.
Maybe we had a few things wrong about COVID. You know, like the origins, the lockdowns, the vaccines. But come on! Folks, I'm serious.
It was confusing. You keeping it straight.
Come on.
Look, I know some of you are mad about my family making a few bucks overseas. But, folks, let me tell you, that's how business gets done sometimes.
You know, what are you going to do?
My son, Hunter, good kid. Smart as a whip. Oh, my gosh. What a talented painter he is. Did you hear? Five hundred million dollars of his paintings have been lost in the fire!
Damn it! But a good thing we had insurance on all of that art.
You know, he got some deals. China, Ukraine. Whatever. But it was all aboveboard.
I mean, I'm serious, folks. It's fine. Totally legit. And here's the thing about AI. It's scary.
Artificial intelligence. That's what they call it. I don't trust it. One day, you're talking to your phone.
The next thing you know, it's running your life.
That's why I wanted Congress to ban stock trading for government employees. No joke.
No joke. You can't have senators buying stocks when they know stuff about stocks!
It's just wrong, folks.
Never. I mean, not recently.
I have not recently benefited from stock trading. No joke.
My family made it the old-fashioned way. Through bribery.
That's what we did. All right.
That's America. And let me tell you about America and unity. Folks, we need unity now more than ever.
But you know what is stopping us?
And I mean it!
People who don't listen. They spread lies. They stir up television.
Some of them need to vote for the other guy, and I'm not kidding.
These people are dangerous. Folks, I'm not kidding. Makes me so mad. I could -- I don't know.
You know the rest. Now, I know I've made mistakes. Nobody is perfect. I mean, I'm pretty Tam close. But come on, folks. Give me a break. I'm just doing what's right.
You have to trust me on this. In closing, I want to remind you of the statute of liberty.
That lady has been swaying in the wind for years. But she never falls. Just like America.
She might lead a little to the right or left. But she stays upright. No joke.
It's a miracle. They wouldn't let me change that torch to an ice cream cone. Which I think that would have been great. You know, on her feet, we should have given her some socks or something. Because her feet has to be cold. They're made out of metal, seriously. Seriously, folks.
I'm not joking. What's her hair smell like?
So now it's your turn to stand guard.
Keep the faith. Protect democracy.
And remember, I love the little children.
Hey, God loves the little children.
He keeps them in the palm of his hand.
I've got my palm of my hand on little children.
It's good. Folks, come on!
I'm being serious.
It's real. I love it. I'm serious.
God bless you.
And God bless something else, I don't remember what it was.
So that is a summary of his speech last night.
And --
STU: He's good.
GLENN: Then he walked off into the sunshine.
With the -- and they're pretty close.
He had the seniors come this. You know, from his senior center.
And it was regulated. Ow! That one hurt there. But, hey, he was trying. No, folks, seriously, they're trying their best.
They're seniors. And look at them go. Look at them go.
STU: The Joe Biden players. Ladies and gentlemen.
GLENN: And we're going to miss it. We're going to miss them.
We really are. We really are.
You know, I was thinking, I really don't care except for the instruction.
And I think Democrats have it in the exact right place.
Because they don't care about the destruction, I don't think. At least the ones in Washington.
And they're not paying attention to him at all. They don't care what he's doing. They don't care, okay?
Isn't this exactly the way we should all feel about our president, all the time?
Without the fear of, good God, what is he doing behind the scenes?
Without that fear. He should not have that big of an impact. Nor should all of those clowns in Washington.
You know what I would like to do?
I would like to go back to doing comedy, like, remember, Stu. In the old days, 25 years ago, before 9/11. We were doing comedy.
Wouldn't that be nice? That would be nice.
Would love to do that. But we suddenly had to care. Because these people are out of their mind and out of control.
The way the Democrats care about Joe Biden right now is the way we should care about every president.
Okay?
They should have such little power. No. I'm not joking folks.
I'm not. I'm being serious.
Such little power. We don't care. Yeah.
Yeah. Now, let's go have some ice cream.
STU: I mean, that's -- what the Founders kind of wanted, right?
They wanted a country in which, where you didn't have to think about the cane all the time --
GLENN: Yeah, and you would say, shut up. Shut up.
That's what I think our Founders.
STU: Italian Founders. Yeah. Shut up.
Because, again, it's easy to think about now, as someone you probably like is coming into office.
So you might like the focus on them.
GLENN: Well, I like the focus on them. Because I will fix it. You know what I mean? And then we need to care enough to get those things out of an executive order. And passed as laws. Otherwise, four years from now. We can have somebody -- Karl Marx, they might bring back from the dead. And they will be like, Karl Marx, you know, his first time around didn't go well. But I'm serious, folks. He's great now. And look at that beard. I mean, that's a great beard. Especially for being dead for so long.
And they -- we can -- he will be like, I will do a few executive orders. What? What's the problem?
You know, no! We need to pay attention, so they actually pass these things, as bills.
STU: Interesting. A development on that front. The Republicans are trying to talk Trump out of doing some of these executive orders.
When he first starts. Because of a -- basically a technicality, that comes from this law that we want to pass, this reconciliation bill.
This is their one big bill. To do that. They can pass this bill with only 50 senators.
If it's cutting the deficit, essentially.
And so the -- what -- some of these executive orders that Trump wants to do, will help that. Right?
GLENN: But they need to have them in the pill.
STU: They need to have them in the bill to make sure the scoring is right, so they can pass it.
GLENN: You know, I have to tell you. I think there's more to cut than everyone thinks. Oh, gee, we've got to reduce the deficit.
And you will cut a lot of places. I think you could find more.
STU: I think you can. I think you can.
Again, if you're going to do it anyway. I would prefer, if it's a good measure. And it's going to improve the budget situation. I would rather have it in the reconciliation bill, than as an executive order, for the same reasons you're talking about.
GLENN: Yeah. Yeah. But I would like to not give away, the stuff that we could get through executive order.
STU: Yeah.
GLENN: You know.
STU: If you can get it through the law.
GLENN: Get it through the law.
STU: Get it through the bill. Get it that way. If it's not available there. Then you go --
GLENN: Take it elsewhere.
Because there's a lot that can be cut. Gee. I don't know. We're a few hundred billion dollars away from being able to save the deficit. And pass this bill.
I don't know. Department of Education. Where are the keys?
STU: You can't do that by executive order.
GLENN: No. I'm saying Congress. I'm saying Congress.
We can't do it in the bill.
We can't just pass it with 50, because it's not enough.
Where are the keys to the Department of Education?
I would just like to see them, right now.
Let's put them in the pile. All right.