People throw the term “gaslighting” around a lot, but it’s a term for a form of psychological manipulation that makes someone question their own mental state.
It’s used to convince someone that what they’re thinking or feeling isn’t valid or to turn the blame around. It can be abusive, but it can also be an accidental form of bad communication that ruins arguments.
And chances are, you’ve used one of these gaslighting phrases in the heat of a fight with your partner.
●“You take things too personally” - It’s similar to saying “You’re too sensitive” and it may come from someone who realizes they’ve pushed an argument too far, but it tells your partner their feelings don’t matter.
●“I’m not upset, you are” - The person saying this may think they’re trying to be rational and bring calm to the situation, but it’s actually putting their partner on the defensive. Instead, try to say, “I hear you and I see this is an upsetting topic for both of us.”
●“I don’t even know what I did wrong” - This is a way to shift the blame or minimize their actions and it’s a classic gaslighter’s phrase because it makes the other person doubt their reactions.
●“You can’t take a joke” - When a gaslighter says something hurtful or offensive and their partner calls them on it, they turn it around and claim they were only teasing. Remember, it’s only a joke if two people are laughing.
●“You need to calm down” The idea behind this might be good, if you’re really trying to get your partner to take a breath and get some perspective, but it makes it sound like they’re being irrational and it never really helps anyone calm down.
●“You’re lucky I put up with you” - The person saying it may think it’s a playful jab, but it’s actually very harmful and tells someone they’re not worthy of love from anyone else. Instead, you could flip it around to say, “I’m so lucky you understand me, because a lot of people might not.”
HT: Fatherly