Nancy Pelosi, please report to your bomb shelter — I REPEAT! — Nancy Pelosi, please report to your bomb shelter. Armageddon is not looming. NAY, it has arrived! One of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, also known as the Apple company, brings us messages of our demise. Listen on if you dare, BUT YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Apple has announced a record-shattering buyback program. When it’s all said and done, they will have paid over $100 billion to their shareholders. In the first quarter of this year alone, Apple has paid shareholders $23.5 billion. That exceeds the value of the majority of the companies in the S&P 500 index.
THE HORROR! And as if all that death and destruction weren’t enough… THERE’S MORE!
Throughout the March quarter, Apple has paid over $3.2 billion in dividends, and they have plans to boost those payments up another 16 percent going forward. And the hits just keep on coming for Apple investors. I know, I know… If you have stock in Apple, this is just too much to bear. If it would help ease your suffering, I’ll be the sacrificial lamb and take your shares off you. It’s the least I can do.
Yes, the end is truly close. Apple has also announced the construction of a new mega-campus, and they’re looking at adding over 20,000 new jobs. Over the next 5 years, they’ll add $350 billion to the US economy.
In dire times such as these, it’s always a good idea to look back and reflect on how we got here. What was that final act that caused waves of cash to come raining down on us like flaming meteorites of destruction? Well, it turns out Nancy Pelosi was right. This is all due… TO THE TAX CUTS! Tim Cook and Apple have even admitted to it.
Wanna know what the LOW TAX apocalypse looks like? Allow me to quote Cook in an interview he gave talking about the recent tax cuts, but I must warn you, it’s so scary it sounds as if it were pulled straight from the scariest parts of the book of Revelation:
There are two parts of the tax bill, there’s a corporate piece and an individual piece. I do believe the corporate tax side will result in JOB CREATION AND A FASTER GROWING ECONOMY.
Wait, wait, wait… More jobs and a faster-growing economy?! This is worse than we thought!!
Armageddon has truly arrived, but fear not, we’ll figure out a way through it. Having a job and getting lots of money might sound painful, but WE WILL endure. And don’t forget… I’m taking the hit for a good part of this. I’ll post instructions on how you can transfer your Apple shares over to me. It’s my great burden to bear.
This article was originally published on GlennBeck.com.